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Episode 63/Transcript
(Brittnay is filming a video in her room) Brittnay: Hi, I'm Brittnay Matthews. Saison: (at the camera) Cut! That was magnifique! Brittnay: Goddammit Saison! I wasn't finished, that's just the first line! Saison: Oh, oh, there is more. Okay then, back to ones. And how do you say, action! Brittnay: Hi, I'm Brittnay Matthews. (a mic hits her in the head) Goddammit! Saison: Cut! Brittnay: Saison, will you lock down your fucking audio engineer?! (wide shot reveals Brittnay Jr. at the mic) Saison: So sorry, okay can we get the boom out of the shot? Okay, here we go, here we go. How do you say, action! Brittnay: Hi, I'm Brittnay Matthews. (Brittnay Margeurite starts crying) Son of a bitch! Saison what is wrong with that fucking baby?! Saison: Oh well, is either hungry, or she has to, how do you say, poop. It's okay Baby Brittnay. We are almost done. Okay, here we go, and action! Brittnay: Hi, I'm Brittnay Matthews—oh, oh God, oh my—what the fuck is that smell? Saison: Oh, it's a poop. That explains the crying. Mystery solved! Brittnay: Saison, for the love of God, will you please go change your child's diaper. Saison: Okay, if you say so. Come here Little Brittnay! (gets her baby) Brittnay: (The mic hits her in the head again) Goddammit! (Trisha climbs up a ladder into a window) Hey Trisha. Trisha: Hey Britt. How's it goin'? Brittnay: Shouldn't you be hanging out with Mackenzie? Trisha: Well, seeing as how I'm friends with both you and Mackenzie, Trisha 2 and I have decided to implement something that we like to call the Trisha Exchange Program! Brittnay: The fuck is the Trisha Exchange Program? Trisha: Here's how it works: half of my time is going to be spent hanging out with you. Half of Trisha 2's time is going to be spent hanging out with Mackenzie. Once every few hours, we switch and pull the old vice-versa-visa! (Trisha 2 and Mackenzie are shown) Trisha 2: (beat) Soooooo... you like juice? (beat) Brittnay: Great. Trisha: Ooh, a camera! You shootin' some sweet YouTube vids? Brittnay: Yeah, I'm trying to shoot a promotional video for my Mercenary Cheerleading, but Saison keeps fucking it up! Saison: (enters) Okay! Okay, all of le poo-poo has been cleaned up and we can now resume. Oh, hello Trisha! Trisha: Hello Saison. Saison: Alright everybody ready, and— Trisha: Hey, uh, you just might want to adjust the F-Stop. Saison: Oh, okay, and what is this now? Trisha: Oh, well you know, you're not gonna want a shallow depth of field for this shot, so you're just gonna need to adjust that dial a couple of clicks and make sure— Brittnay: Wait, Trisha, you know something about cameras? Trisha: (laughs) Well yeah, I do the Trisha Show for the AV Club, so I've learned a few tricks along the way. Brittnay: Alright then! Trisha you're in charge. Saison you're fired. Baby... (baby Brittnay coos) you can stay. Saison: Le sigh. (leaves) Trisha: Alright people, let's get quiet, let's get real, we're making art. Roll sound—Alright, and action! (A video of Brittnay is shown) Brittnay: Hi there, I'm Brittnay Matthews, and I'm here to talk you about your cheer needs. Do you have a rival, do you need help kicking someone's ass? Well then, look no further than Brittnay Matthews Mercenary Cheerleader. I am an expert in all of the major facets of cheerleading: Being bitchy, gossiping about enemies, achieving peak attractiveness and of course, contributing absolutely nothing to the world around me. Do you need help lowering the self-esteem of somebody who's already got it worse than you? Sounds like you need a cheerleader! Do you need help saying something to a sixteen year old that a normal person wouldn't say to Hitler? Sounds like you need a cheerleader! Are you tired of basic bitches who just don't get it? Sounds like you need a cheerleader. So visit cheerleaderoffortune.com today to schedule your first booking with Brittnay Matthews Mercenary Cheerleader! Oh and I can also do all that other cheerleading stuff too, like flips and holding up signs and shit. (video finishes) Brittnay: Wow Trisha, this is really good. Trisha: You're welcome. Brittnay: I'm totally gonna start getting gigs from this! (Brittnay picks up phone) Brittnay Matthews Mercenary Cheerleader, what the fuck do you want? Mmhm... yeah... for how much? Well I will see you there. (hangs up) Well, I got my first gig. Suck on that, Zales. I don't need you now, and I won't need you ever again. Trisha 2: Switch! Trisha: Okay, now you're running a film set. Trisha 2: Got it. So... what are your thoughts on ghosts? (Brittnay is outside a store) Brittnay: (flatly) Give me an S. Give me an A. Give me an L. Give me an E. What's that spell? Great savings for you and your family. Alex: Uh hey Britt, can I talk to you for a second? Brittnay: What? Alex: I was just, uh, wondering, if you wouldn't mind just upping the enthusiasm a little bit? Some of the customers are complaining that you look a little upset. Brittnay: I am upset. This is fucking bullshit. Can't I go do some actual cheerleading work, like you know, beating the fuck out of the manager at Yankee Candle? Alex: Who, Ricky? What, no, Ricky's a great guy! Tell you what, maybe we just need to come up with some more... fun cheers for you. How about this: "We like discounts yes we do, we like discounts how about 20% off all greeting cards now 'til Monday!" I just came up with that, wow! Brittnay: Goddammit. Woodson: Alex. Alex: Afternoon, Woodson. Woodson: Another cheap sales gimmick, huh? What have you got lined up for next week? An inflatable gorilla? "These prices are bananas!" (laughs) oh man I burned you hardcore. Alright I'm off to Wetzel's to get some pretzels. Brittnay: Who the fuck was that? Alex: Ugh, Anthony Penderschmidt Woodson. He runs the Stationery Emporium on the east side of the mall. Pardon my... french, but he's a real jerk. I just wish he'd leave me alone. (Brittnay is shown beating up Woodson) Brittnay: How do you like this, you smart-ass son of a bitch? Woodson: I don't, I don't like it at all! (a police officer is shown arresting Alex) Alex: C'mon, you gotta believe me! Officer: Tell it to the judge. Let's go chief! Alex: I didn't tell her to do that! Brittnay: I was hired to do a job. I did that job. Your invoice is in the mail. Alex: Oh, you fucking bitch! You're a fucking bitch! Officer: And taser. (he tasers Alex, then they leave) Brittnay: (picks up phone) Brittnay Matthews Mercenary Cheerleader, what the fuck do you want? (Deandra is in the mall) Deandra: (exiting the bathroom) My song, they're playing my song! They're playing my song! (gasps) (At the recording studio) Deandra: You guys! You guys! You're not gonna believe it! My song! They're playing my song at Oak Park Mall! Jenna Dapananian: You're goddamn right they are! You fucking beautiful bitch, we're about to make you a star. Whoo! The fuckin' Geek Squad over here is cooking up a banging track. Judith: Oh yeah, thanks Jenna. Rachel: I mean, we just fooled around on the synths for a couple of hours— Judith: And you know the beat just really found us. Jenna Dapananian: And then I got it put into the mall's playlist cycle, because everybody knows having your song played in a mall is like the first step to a hit! Everybody's walking around and they're all like, "oh shit what's that shit, what's that shit, alright", and then the song comes on the radio and they're all like, "oh shit, that's that song I heard at the mall, yo"! Deandra: Oh yeah, uh, I guess that makes sense. Jenna Dapananian: But that's only the beginning, baby. I just booked you your first live gig too. Woo! You're gonna be the headliner at Tanner Christiansen's end of the year party! Boom. Deanra: Oh wow, I hear that's a pretty big party. Jenna Dapananian: It's only like the biggest fucking party of the goddamn year. Everyone's gonna be there. You play that party, you own Overland Park. Deandra: Oh wow, first live gig huh? I don't know, I've never played live before. I mean, aren't we gonna need like backup dancers like choreography, shit like that? Jenna Dapananian: Don't worry, I've got all that taken care of, not to mention the fact that I just booked you the best choreographer in the entire state of Kansas! Tristan: Alright, ladies, let's try this again from the top! Rachel: I'm sorry, I, I think this dress is kind of big. Judith: Uh yeah and also, are we 100% firm on that name? Jenna Dapananian: What, Deandra and the Poops? That's a great name, it's a classic name, who's got a problem with that name? Deandra: I mean I like it. It makes sense. I'm Deandra. My song's about poop. Where's the issue? Rachel: Well, well, yeah okay I guess, if that's the consensus. Tristan: Alright, everyone, this is from the top! And a 5-6-7-8! (they dance and Deandra hits Rachel) Rachel: Ah! Ahh! Oh my face! What's gonna bring all the boys to the yard now? Tristan: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, scoot, scoot, come on, no. Ugh, you girls are doing this all wrong. Judith: Well, I mean to be fair, we're not really dancers— Tristan: Ha! Yeah, no kidding honey. Now look I know this is some really complicated choreography, which is what you get when you hire Tristan Mckie, the biggest song and dance man this way of Kansas City, now if we focus really hard and watch me, we're all gonna get this, ok? 5-6-7-8 left arm up, right arm up, turn to the side, left arm down, right arm down, bend forward, left arm, right arm, left arm, right arm, both arms up and end it with a spin!